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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23306587">i get dark only to shine</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duck_Life/pseuds/Duck_Life'>Duck_Life</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: The Next Generation (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Data (Star Trek)'s Emotion Chip, Emotions, Gen, Movie: Star Trek: First Contact (1996), Past Rape/Non-con, Recovery, everyone loves data, lots of references to past episodes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:46:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,390</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23306587</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duck_Life/pseuds/Duck_Life</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Data wonders whether he should reactivate his emotion chip after the events of "First Contact." The crew of the Enterprise looks out for him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Data &amp; Deanna Troi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Star Trek Fics</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i get dark only to shine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>(Safe is an emotion. The first time Data feels it— or at least, the first time he remembers feeling it— is on the Amargosa Observatory, during the phaser fight with Soran. Riker kneels down beside him, and even though everything has taken a harsh turn for the worst, Riker showing up eases the fearanxietyworryfear thrumming through Data's positronic net. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later, Data experiences other emotions connected to "safe." When Lursa reveals that the Klingons have not harmed Geordi, he floods with relief and a feeling that he can only define as Geordi-is-safe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he and Counselor Troi find Spot in the rubble of the Enterprise, he encounters a similar emotion: Spot-is-safe.) </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Data glances up as he feels a soft weight drape around his shoulders. "Shock blanket," Dr. Crusher says in response to his questioning look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Doctor," Data says, "I am not capable of experiencing the human condition known as shock." She should save the blanket, he thinks, for the organic beings onboard the ship, the people who had to fight the Borg and attempted to evacuate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, well," she sighs, putting a hand on his shoulder, "maybe it's more for me than you. I just can't bear to see you sitting there looking all…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Damaged?" Lights from the nearest console glance off the exposed metal on one side of his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sad," Beverly says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You do not need to worry," he assures her. "As soon as I was able, I switched off my emotion chip. I am incapable of feeling sad at the moment."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course," Beverly says, but she looks troubled. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>(Geordi is safe. Spot is safe. Data is… is… )</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was Zefram Cochrane as impressive as you believed him to be?” Data asks. He is helping Geordi restore the damage to one of the Jeffries tubes. His mangled arm reaches for a hydrospanner— a damaged being fixing a damaged ship— and he continues his repairs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was… well, he was human,” Geordi says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Human, Data thinks to himself, is what everyone else is and you are not. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>(In the dream, he is wearing a mask. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Masaka is waking</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Data tries to take the mask off and his whole face comes off with it.)</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>"You mentioned you had activated your dream program last night," Counselor Troi says. "Did you want to talk more about that?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Stolen human flesh and synthetic skin scraped away and leaving nothing behind but cold inhuman metal, flashing lights and unfeeling circuitry, someone's science experiment to be picked up and used. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am not sure I understood the imagery of my dream," Data says. "Experiences from my past were interwoven with my recent experience with the Borg."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not uncommon, you know,” Counselor Troi tells him. “Dreams are how we form connections between our memories. By dreaming about past experiences, you’re gaining a better understanding of what happened to you more recently. Giving it context.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What context would that be?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” she says, “what did you dream about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Masaka is waking</span>
  </em>
  <span>. So many memories pulsing through him. His mouth moving, other people’s words coming out. Becoming an archive, a library. A tool. “I felt like I was losing my mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When? In your dream?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Masaka’s temple,” Data explains. “When I served as a conduit for that ancient alien culture. I felt as if I was losing my mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Counselor Troi just nods understandingly. “I remember. That must have been disconcerting for you,” she says. “Losing control like that. I imagine your more recent experiences with the Borg also made you feel like you weren’t in control.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Helplessness,” Data says. “I believe that if I activated my emotion chip right now I would be experiencing… helplessness.” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The door to Data's quarters chimes. "Enter."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's Jenna D'Sora. The instant the door slides open she's running into the room, eyes roaming before spotting Data at his desk. "Commander," she says. He can tell there is pity in her expression— he is, after all, a pitiable sight. But there are other feelings too: relief, affection, respect, concern. "I'm so glad to see you're alright."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"'Alright' is a relative term—"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was so frightened when the Borg came aboard, and… and my </span>
  <em>
    <span>friends</span>
  </em>
  <span> got turned into, into…" She shudders. "I didn't think I was going to make it out. I didn't think anyone would. And when I heard about you…" She sighs. "Data— may I hug you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes," Data says, "and thank you for asking." Jenna crosses the distance and wraps her arms around him, tucking her head against his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm glad you're…" She pauses, not wanting to say "alright" again. "Here."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Data hugs her back— part mimicry, part friendship. "I am glad you are here as well."</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>("Captain Picard once told me that courage is an emotion. I think that perhaps 'safe' is an emotion, too. I would like to feel it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Deanna squeezes his hand. "I'll be right here with you.")</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>"She made me feel… She made me feel," Data explains, eyes wide and somewhat unfocused. "She made me feel everything. And it was… I felt…" A shudder ripples through him like an electrical current. "Is that what it is, to be human? The things you most wanted are thrust upon you in the most horrible ways imaginable?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Deanna reaches forward and places a hand over the exposed metal of his arm, her own flesh covering the place where the stolen skin had been grafted onto him. "Being human hurts sometimes," she says. "There are good parts, good emotions, but they don't erase the pain. What's important now is… Data, you are </span>
  <em>
    <span>safe. </span>
  </em>
  <span>You are </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You've been through an awful ordeal, and this is the other side."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Data stares down at the table. "I feel as if I cannot trust myself," he admits. "I feel as if I cannot trust anyone around me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know," she says, and he looks up at her and realizes that she </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> know. The Ullians and their powers of memory distortion. Jev. Of course she knows. She knows, and she cares, and she’s here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>safe</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Counselor Troi arranges for a surprise visit from someone currently living on Earth. Data receives a comm from transporter room 4 about a visitor here to see him. He goes, thinking this must be some kind of mistake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boy on the transporter pad is older, taller, but still recognizable. “Timothy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Data!” Timothy says, jumping down to give him a hug. Data becomes suddenly hyper-aware of his mangled face. “It’s so good to see you again. Counselor Troi told me you can feel emotion now, is that true?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s too true. Right now, he’s feeling some twisted combination of surprise, anger, shame, vanity, and affection. As he leads Timothy down the corridor, Data tries to break his feelings down one by one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Surprise— he wasn’t expecting to see Timothy today. Or again, ever. After they rescued the boy from the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Vico</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he’d spent over a week mimicking Data in an attempt to suppress his own emotions. After saving the Enterprise from the same thing that destroyed his own ship, Timothy eventually left the Enterprise to live with his aunt on Earth. Data did not think he would ever see the boy again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anger— Counselor Troi invited Timothy here to see Data without checking first, or warning him. She did not consider that his appearance might be disturbing for Timothy, or that he might not be ready for visitors. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shame— Timothy once looked up to him as a hero. How would he feel now if he knew about Data’s weakness? About his involvement with the Borg Queen? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanity— Data does not want Timothy to see his damaged face with its exposed metal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Affection— Despite everything, it is nice to see him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“How does it taste?” Timothy asks, looking up from his own triple-fudge sundae. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Data tilts his head, considering. “The viscosity of the hot fudge is at optimal levels, and the ice cream itself is sufficiently creamy.” He sets his spoon down. “It tastes… good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good,” Timothy says, grinning. “So, were you right? Is it worth it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is what worth it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You once told me that you’d risk feeling bad sometimes if it meant you could taste your dessert,” Timothy reminds him. “Well? Were you right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm,” Data says. “I believe I will need more dessert in order to make an informed decision. Guinan?” </span>
</p>
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